To Text or Not to Text: Are You a “Helicopter Parent”?
Posted by emptynesta on October 15, 2009
One of my biggest fears about becoming an empty nester was losing the open, communicative relationship with my son that has been 18 years in the making. So, after hearing about his first forays into college life in decent detail (the girls, his classes, the parties, the girls, his triumphs on the intramural gridiron, his professors, the girls), I’ve celebrated. Yeah, baby, Nesta’s still got it!
But I read an article last year that has stuck with me and left me unsettled. Basically, the message was a warning to parents of college kids: Beware the prolific communicator-he may not be developing properly. After waking up this morning to a long text from Austin about how happy he is, I searched for the story again (link below). As if swine flu and bad grades and campus muggings weren’t enough, now I get to add to my list of concerns “helicopter parenting”. I’ve read this three times this morning, trying to see if I qualify.
O.K., so frequency of communication isn’t the main issue. Imposing your will over decisions that should be made by your student is the big problem. Feeling more comfortable now…I’ve absorbed his descriptions eagerly, but I haven’t tried to martial nor structure his experience. Score one for me!
Not so fast, though. There’s also ample warning against being a soundboard for frustrations, things that should be shared with other’s in his circle and worked out on his own for better development. Almost on cue, I got a text this morning from my kiddo. The gist of it is his Constitutional outrage over an unscheduled room visit by the Fire Marshall. An extension cord improperly installed is his offense, and he was IN THE SHOWER when they invaded. He’s been given a remedy, but will probably be written up by the RA. And he’s fired up, ready with all sorts of comebacks that center around his privacy rights (uh, you have none sweetie-read you contract).
I’m concerned about the tone he may take with his RA and how it might affect him going forward. And I’d like to tell him that, but I’m heeding advice from this article, even though it’s against my nature: Not all communications need to be answered. This is a test for me and for my son. Will the world stop spinning if I ignore this one? How will he react? And how long can I hold out?
Helicopter parent…I’m not sure I am one, but just in case I’m determined to crash that craft, right here and now. I got a one-word text from Aus about 15 minutes ago. “HELLO?” Reeling from the newness of the empty nest, I have to admit it’s nice to still be needed. But my son also needs me to show some confidence in his ability to “work it out”, and so I’m still ignoring the phone.
What about you? Parenting-by-proxy, helicopter parenting…How have you avoided it, or fallen into the trap?
P.S. Victory! Just got a “resolution text” from Aus. Hmmm…Seems I’m not as necessary as I thought. I should feel good about this, right?
